Practical Guidelines for Encouraging Conversations with Your Fellowship Members

All Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible 1995 Ed. (NASB95)

One of the chief problem areas of western church culture is the simple interpersonal relationships we maintain with each other. Most Bible-teaching churches make little efforts to facilitate the development of real, formative, and devoted relationships between people from different households. Oh sure, there are the small groups, “adult Bible fellowships,” and occasional church luncheons, but serious time and energy given to starting and improving friendships and partnerships is usually left by the wayside.

This is especially true of the way we just talk to each other. In our western society, the art and science of deep and invested conversation is largely gone, and replaced by trite, shallow, and disinterested talk about mostly frivolous topics. And this is almost as true among Christians as it is among unbelievers. Most of us don’t know how to caringly, compassionately, and intentionally talk to each other about the matters that matter most to our souls.

Just think about your typical conversation at church. Can you think of the last time that you had a talk with a brother or sister at church that had a massive impact on your thinking, beliefs, or behavior? But that’s the kind of impact we should expect every time we gather for fellowship. In fact, the New Testament Scriptures repeatedly emphasize that the bulk of the influence we have on each other doesn’t come from our singing together, or our mutual listening to the Word being taught, but simply talking to each other with wisdom, love, and truth.

In our last look at this subject, we just briefly reviewed some of the main Scripture passages that enjoin believers to make transformative truth-speaking a priority. Two of them are found in Ephesians, where believers are said to be,

“. . . speaking the truth in love, [so that] we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ . . .” – Eph. 4:15

And then, Paul continues,

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” — Eph. 4:29

With Scriptures like this, it seems silly that so little attention is given to instructing believers on how to have edifying conversations with each other, while almost all emphasis is placed on public teaching and corporate singing (aka, “the service”). But I want to give you some specific strategies you can use to improve and energize your normal conversations with the brethren, so you can see your relationships developed, and your congregation knit closer together in love, to your greater corporate holiness. While these are general guidelines for any Christian conversation, remember that the most ripe opportunity for having encouraging talks with the brethren is during our weekly gatherings.

Guidelines for Church Conversations

Have a basic plan of to whom and about what you’ll talk

The author of Hebrews enjoins his audience with the instruction to “let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds” (Heb. 10:24). In this one command is the basic mission of all our Christian gatherings. Hence, the goal of our talks should be to stir each other up toward “love and good deeds,” or Christlikeness. But one of the essential methods to those ends is that we consider how to do so. In the original Greek, the writer calls them to consider one another, with the purpose being love and goodness. Therefore, it’s imperative that we have a loving and caring disposition toward the brethren with whom we intend to talk.

Ideally, we should already have some kind of friendship with at least someone in our local fellowship. If that’s the case, then it’s important that we think beforehand about what we should ask our friend. And most ideally, we should have been praying for our friend throughout the week about specific issues, so we’ll have even more reason to find out about their welfare when we meet together.

If we’re new to the assembly, and don’t have any established friendships with anyone, this doesn’t mean we have no idea what to ask our brethren. We ought to be eager and diligent to find out all we can about the brethren with whom we’re partnering in the local fellowship, so we can be a part of the “church family,” and serve them appropriately.

Think others-centered, rather than me-centered

For the above ends of stirring up our brethren to be loving and helpful, it’s obviously imperative that we’re purely obeying our Lord’s command to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Paul echoes this command to the Philippians when he urges,
“. . . with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” – Phil. 2:3-4

If we’re going to have noticeably effective and encouraging conversations with each other, we simply have to be in the fellowship first for the good of others, and not for ourselves.

Herein lies one of the most pervasive lies of western church culture – that the weekly gathering is mainly for you. If you’re a believer, the fellowship is for you, but it’s first for God’s joy, and then secondly for the good of us. And as a part of we, your goals of participation in the local fellowship should be focused on them, and not on you. As JFK could have said had he been describing a biblical concept of “church,” “Ask not what your church body can do for you – ask what you can do for your church body.”

If you have a proper understanding of who you are in relationship to the rest of the body of Christ in your local area, this should come increasingly easily. But only if you first believe that the Lord has promised to take care of all your needs, and that He’s gifted you to help your brothers and sisters in God’s family.

Applied to conversations, being “others-centered” means that the focus of your inquiries isn’t on you, but on your brother. So what should you ask in godly conversation?

Learn about your brother’s ministries and spiritual health

The New Testament is clear that every believer is called to some “ministry,” or literally “service.” In fact, this is one of the top reasons we’ve been saved – “for good works” (Eph. 2:10). Whether your brother has been entrusted with a family, a business, co-workers, a school, or any other sphere of influence, he has a ministry that he’s hopefully exercising. And it’s up to us as each other’s brothers and sisters to be concerned and invested in each other’s ministries – as well as our lives.

So when thinking about what you should ask your brother, go beyond the usual casual questions of “how’s work,” or “how’s your family?.” Instead, it’s helpful to ask specific questions about how they’re handling the responsibility of their various services.

All of us are constantly tempted with discouragement, doubts, selfishness, laziness, or pride. Thus, it’s helpful for us to have an outside observer who isn’t loaded with our responsibilities ask us how we’re fulfilling them. If questions come from a heart of genuine concern and interest, then they have the potential to yield encouragement, counsel, and correction, if we’re open with our brother.

In other words, much of our brotherly conversations ought to be used as encouragement and support sessions. We should gear our talks toward learning about our brother’s welfare and fruitfulness, and then offering appropriate truth and encouragement. But this likely won’t happen unless we’re resolved and intentional about our church talks.

Suggested questions to ask brethren in edifying conversations

Finally, let me offer several possible questions you can ask your brother the next time you meet for fellowship, so you can be a better co-worker in God’s kingdom work.

1. Ask how he’s progressing in his goals of godliness.
2. Ask how he’s been helped in his daily ministries by the encouragement of the Sunday gathering.
3. Ask how you can help your brother grow in his effectiveness of ministry.
4. Ask what specific ways you can pray for your brother, and pray for him right there. After all, the Lord said, “My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations.”
5. Ask what your brother thinks you could do to improve your own service of others in the weekly gathering.’

Toward a Renewal of Loving Christian Conversation

The bottom line is that most of our western churches are largely missing the mark for our mutual encouragement and upbuilding. There are at least a few structural, or “systemic,” reasons for this, such as a rigidly impersonal and spectator-like “church service,” and the lack of expectation for most believers to actively contribute to the weekly gathering.

Nevertheless, there’s one thing all of us can do – strive to foster loving, brotherly, and honest friendships with the brethren in our local fellowships. And one of the best ways to do this is to meet at the right time, with a deeply caring attitude, and to ask the right questions to offer the best word of grace. It’s time we stepped up our fellowship together, our casual conversation with each other, and ultimately our Christlike love for each other.

After all, it’s through our love for one another that the world is supposed to learn that we worship the self-sacrificing and self-giving God of salvation. And it’s through our love for each other that we increasingly feel and carry out the holy love that is in the Lord Jesus Messiah. Let’s devote ourselves toward learning how to speak and teach the way He did, until we hear His voice of welcome into His eternal kingdom.