All Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible 1995 Ed. (NASB95), published by The Lockman Foundation

Besides your spouse, with how many believers in your life do you have honest, deep, and practical conversations on a regular basis? If you’re like most believers in Jesus in the western world, you’ll probably have to admit that you rarely engage in loving and brotherly conversation with a brother or sister in Christ. Even if you do this regularly, you’ll probably also have to recognize that there’s only one or two believers in your life that you interact with like this.

What about most of your relationships with brethren? Wouldn’t you have to admit that most of your interactions with the brethren you see regularly are shallow, largely unhelpful, and even downright hypocritical? Such shallow and distant relationships and conversations are a plague among western believers. And this is not a small problem.

How can we possibly live out the reality that we are a spiritual, eternal, family if we treat one another simply like unbothersome neighbors? How can we help one another to grow in specific areas of Christlikeness if we barely know each other? How can we fulfill all of the purposes that the Lord has given us for our gathering together if we don’t engage in honest, deep, and brotherly conversations when we meet? The answers to all of these questions are – we can’t.

As God’s family, and the Lord’s body, we all have a responsibility to strive to be as loving, brotherly, and encouraging to our brethren as we can. And the chief way we are to do this is through our speech. Paul the apostle makes this clear in his foundational description of the service, unity, and growth of Christ’s body found in Ephesians 4. At the high point of that passage, he writes these profound words:

“. . . speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head . . . Christ” (Eph. 4:15).

Here, he gives us the direct instrument for growing the entire body of Christ in its conformity to His image. It is “speaking the truth in love,” or more literally being truthful in love. From this verse, we see two essential elements that must be present in our relationships with our brethren. The first is love for them, and the second is being truthful toward them. Founding our thoughts on these two virtues, we’ll now consider how the New Testament instructs believers to treat and engage their brethren in their normal interactions. Following Paul’s emphasis on truth speaking, we’ll look at the practical ways that the apostles teach their audiences to communicate with one another, so that they’re able to help, warn, instruct, encourage, and ultimately build up one another out of love.

Brotherly Love is the Direct Motivator

The primary character trait that we need if we’re going to engage with our brethren in the best way is brotherly, or familial, love for them. This doesn’t just mean that we believe intellectually or theoretically that they’re our brothers and sisters in God’s family, but that we treat them as such in the same ways that we would treat our natural family. Paul describes this familial treatment when he urges the Romans to, “be devoted to one another in brotherly love . . .” (Ro. 12:10).

Notice that Paul doesn’t begin with our outward actions, but with our attitude toward our brethren. In essence, he is saying, “consider your brethren like you would consider your natural family members”. If we take this perspective, then we will inevitably devote ourselves to our brethren’s good, and get enjoyment from spending time with them.

Peter provides the basis and manner in which believers are to exercise this love when he explains,

“Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another . . .” (1 Pe. 1:22)

First, notice the direct connection between obedience to “the truth” contained in the gospel, and brotherly love. He says that one of the main purposes for his audience’s obedience to the gospel was to enable them to sincerely love the brethren of Jesus. As we will see later, maintaining and cultivating sincerity in our love for our brethren is crucial. We are so prone to dishonesty, hypocrisy, and deceit, in order to avoid sacrificing our comfort for the good of others. Therefore, we must be sure to maintain pure love for one another.

Second, look at the degree of the love that the Lord requires of us. It’s passionate love, which effects not only our actions, but also our affections. We should not only have devotion to our brethren, but compassion, sympathy, and joy in them.

If we cultivate such Christlike love for our brethren that belong to God in the same way that we do, then we’ll be led to think appropriately about them. We’ll be concerned for their well-being, and will do everything in our power to help them live as faithfully to the Lord as possible. Rather than focusing on ourselves in our interactions with them, we’ll focus on their needs. Borrowing the term from a brother, I like to call this “others-centeredness”. This attitude is taught in multiple New Testament passages, in which its outworking in our speech is described.

Others-Centeredness Leads to Encouragement

The most concise New Testament passage that gives the basics for others-centeredness is that found in Paul’s letter to the Philippians. He famously gives these commands:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Phil. 2:3-4)

Consider how these demands compare with so much of our interactions with our brethren. How often do we selfishly and pridefully assert ourselves in our conversations with each other? How often do we speak of ourselves, of our lives, of our interests, and of our needs, excessively more than those of our brethren? But such thinking and talk is absolutely inappropriate in our brotherly interactions. We must strive to have no selfish or arrogant thinking.

Instead, Paul enjoins the humility, or lowliness, that comes from a proper view of our brethren. If we truly love them as our brothers and sisters, then it will only be normal for us to view them as “more important” than ourselves. Such a humble view of our brethren will inevitably lead to an outward vision. Paul explains that valuing our brethren more than ourselves will cause us to add to the pursuit of our “personal interests,” the “interests of others.” In other words, not only will we value them as more important, but we’ll also value their concerns, goals, and needs as just as important as our own. This will allow us to help them to maintain their needs, and to grow in their Christlikeness.

This attitude is applied more specifically by the author of Hebrews, when he urges,

“. . . and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds . . .” (Heb. 10:24)

Through this verse, the author teaches us that others-centeredness leads to the consideration of others. The Greek word translated “consider” literally means “study” or “evaluate,” so what the author is telling his audience to do is to think about and understand the spiritual and moral condition of one another. With this knowledge, believers are then able to know how to “stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” The word translated “stimulate” conveys the ideas of “provoking,” “stirring up,” or “spurring on.” The author is advocating active, conscious, and forceful action that will persuade and motivate others to love and to engage in “good deeds.”

This verse gives us a few applications for our interactions with our brethren. First, we must carefully consider their condition and needs. This obviously requires that we know them. Second, we must be deliberate in our interactions with them, and wisely tailor our speech and behavior toward them to suit their needs. Finally, we need to aim at motivating them to be as loving, and as busy in doing good, as possible. We should always have our brethren’s Christlike virtue as our priority for them. The author tells normal, average, believers, that they have the ability, and the responsibility, to spur their brethren on to living increasingly godly lives.

But specifically how do we provoke our brethren to loving and doing good? Paul gives us a concise answer in his first letter to the Thessalonians. After explaining the moral implications of the imminence of the Lord’s return, he concludes with this basic instruction:

“. . . encourage one another and build up one another . . .” (1 Thess. 5:11)

This is very basic, but is worth emphasizing. The primary way that believers build up one another in Christlikeness is by encouraging one another. To “encourage” doesn’t always mean to praise someone, but basically refers to “calling” someone alongside yourself, so that you can help them. Again, in order to know how best to encourage our brethren, we must consider their condition. And in order to understand their condition, honesty is essential.

Constructive Communication Requires Clarity

As was mentioned earlier, another one of the essential characteristics in our relationships with our brethren is honesty, openness, or sincerity. In beginning to deal with believers’ treatment of one another in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul gives these much-needed instructions:

“. . . laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH EACH ONE of you WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another.” (Eph. 4:25)

These commands make it clear – there can be no beneficial communication between believers if we don’t take off our masks. Any pretending, exaggeration, or deceit is an obstacle to us speaking needed truth to one another. This is a call to genuineness and honesty, grounded in the fact that we belong to one another.

Likewise, Peter includes falsehood as one of the sinful behaviors that ought to be abstained from in order for believers to receive the truth of God’s Word:

“. . . putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy . . .” (1 Pe. 2:1)

In practical terms, what does this honesty look like? First of all, it means acting the way you truly are, and not putting on a show. This will first require you to be honest with the Lord, to confess your glaring faults to Him, and to seek to rid yourself of them. Second, in your intimate friendships with other believers, this will require you to be open about your problems, struggles, temptations, and sins, as is appropriate. Only when you share your problems with your brother or sister will they be able to know how to help you with them. This is why James urged the audience he was writing to to “confess your sins to one another” (Jas. 5:16). Finally, being genuine and open also requires the Christian who is responding to his brother’s condition to withhold no truth that will help him. Sometimes, you will need to say the unpleasant or awkward thing, in order to speak the truth that your brother or sister needs to hear. But as Proverbs says, “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Prov. 27:6). If we are truly speaking out of love, we will say whatever’s necessary to help our brother or sister understand the truth about their situation, so they can apply the right truth, and faithfully handle it.

Constructive Communication Requires Care

The final ingredient of effective communication among believers I want to summarize is the care and skill that’s involved. The first element of this that needs to be borne in mind is that there are a few different basic conditions of brethren that need the truth spoken to them. Paul outlines these conditions in 1 Thessalonians 5:14, where he pleads,

“We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.”

He begins with the category of “the unruly,” which means “undisciplined” or “careless.” Such brethren who are found in this condition — a sinful condition of laziness — must be “admonished.” To “admonish” someone means to confront him with his sin, and to explain why and how he needs to repent of it, and replace it with the right behavior. The second category that should be recognized is the category of “the fainthearted,” or discouraged and distressed. Those who are lacking heartiness in their living need to be encouraged. They ought to hear the truth about their situation, the Lord’s relationship to it, and the resources that they have at their disposal to overcome their suffering. Finally, Paul concludes with the general category of the “weak.” If we know of any weakness in our brethren, we should do whatever we can to strengthen that weakness.

Most importantly, all of our verbal service of our brethren should be rendered patiently. It’s just a fact that some of our brothers and sisters have qualities that inconvenience us, or even annoy us. Helping with our brethren’s situations will often take more effort and time than we anticipate. But we must warn, encourage, and help them patiently, knowing that, given enough time and effort, the Lord will enable us to provide solutions for their problems.

When it comes to talking to our brethren, what are the guidelines for all our conversations with them? Shortly following his general exhortation of ridding oneself of falsehood, so a believer can speak the truth to his neighbor in Christ is Paul’s basic instructions about Christian speech among one another. He writes,

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need . . . so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (Eph. 4:29)

Just as he earlier began the general principle in the form its prohibition, so here he forbids that which will prevent completely beneficial speech. We are to be striving to guard our talk, so that nothing “unwholesome,” or literally “rotten,” comes out of our mouths. This requires a couple of basic disciplines. First, we need to be regularly thinking about what’s right, true, and wise. As the Lord said, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” The amount of good and true words we utter will be directly proportional to the amount of effort we make to think about good things. The second discipline that will allow us to avoid saying rotten words is the discipline of thinking before speaking. Sometimes, we just say things because we’re reacting in a way that we’ve seen someone else react, and that reaction can sometimes be rotten. This is why it’s necessary that we control our thinking, and by doing this control our speaking.

There’s only one alternative to saying rotten things, and that is speaking good things. There are three qualities of godly speech in this verse. First, it’s “good for edification.” In other words, it’s useful for building up our brethren in their Christlikeness. And what is able to do this? As Paul already said twice in Ephesians, the information that the Lord uses to build up His people is the truth. Since all truth is God’s truth, this doesn’t only mean specific teaching that’s found in Scripture, but any truth that is truly truth. Of course, usually what is most beneficial for a brother to hear is the truth that is directly connected to some teaching in Scripture. But the truth that we speak needs to be “according to the need.” Truth applied to an inappropriate situation will do no good. That’s why we must understand our brother or sister’s condition, and know which truth will apply specifically to that condition. Lastly, our speech should have the goal of grace in mind. Speaking to our brethren shouldn’t just be the mere impartation of information, but should be able to do what grace means – benefit. And what is the greatest benefit we can enable our brother or sister to receive? Greater understanding of who the Lord is, and thus how to imitate Him more.

Are You Brotherly, Others-Centered, Encouraging, and Honest toward Your Brethren?

So brother or sister, how are you doing with your brotherly love? Do you actually treat the believers you know as your brothers and sisters?

Do you treat your brethren as more important than yourself, and look out for their interests?

Do you consider how you can best stir up your brethren to love and good deeds?

Are you open and honest toward your brethren?

Do you warn, encourage, and help your brethren with your conversations?

Are you careful to speak the truth that your brethren need to hear according to their need?